When Your Daughter Thinks She's A Wolf

My Daughter Thinks She Is A Wolf

“The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man.”

~William Blake

My daughter is 11 years old. She thinks she's a wolf. She has a pack. She utilizes hunting techniques. She follows the social structure of a pack with herself as both alpha and beta. She comments on the need for us to buy ribs so she can "gnaw". She grooms herself, howls at the moon, and refers to her bed as her den. My daughter thinks she's a wolf...and I am okay with that!

Wolves, in general, are very human. Wolves are sort of the last word in social living and community building. They take care of each other, exhibit and amazingly complex societal structure, groom themselves and each other, and devote themselves to the survival and raising of their young. They also fight with each other, demand obedience, have control issues, and occasionally have all out wars between themselves or between packs. Sounds human, no?

My daughter has her Family Pack and her Posse Pack. In her Family Pack, she graciously allows her father and I to be the Co-Alphas, but only because she sort of has to, not because we have actually earned the right to lead our Family Pack. (Remember, she is 11 and knows all, sees all, and is all things to all people.) Her two sisters, one older and one younger, are definitely below her on the Family Pack social scale.

The Posse Pack, though, she is definitely the leader of this pack! She is Alpha and allows no one to brook her authority. She is generally a benevolent dictator, but is occasionally called upon to administer justice amongst the pack. Her Posse consists mostly of local boys who think she is also a boy, a few girls who tolerate her attitude, and sometimes she allows her younger sister to tag along as a sort of mascot.

The Posse Pack is relatively benign; their most outrageous activity has been painting the sidewalk with mud and setting up a "Survivor" camp in the middle of the common area. They can be a bit elitist, but that is pack mentality and eventually, everyone is allowed into the pack.

There have been occasions when the leader of the pack has become a tad too wolf-like. When she howls at the moon, I can handle it. When she wants to turn her bed into a den, I deal. When she gets snarly and bares her teeth and tries to make like the lone wolf, then we have a problem! Ultimately, she simply loves wolves, identifies with them, and feels protective of both wolves and her status in the Family Pack. She is 11; she is allowed to be imaginative and express her feeling through the wolf metaphor when she is uncomfortable with head to head conversation.  She is not allowed to growl and snarl, metaphorically, simply because she is having a non-pack moment. Then we need to learn to talk like people, and forgive, and make room for growth and the process of maturing in a Family Pack.

Wolf behavior is both complicated and simple. The depth of interaction and communication is startling to uninitiated humans, but as they empathize, mourn, play, and struggle for survival, these behaviors should resonate with every human being. Yet, they are not us. And my daughter is not a wolf. She is fast approaching the time in her life when her Posse Pack is going to start to realize she IS a girl. A time when they will become awkward and she will wonder what has changed.  A time when she will have to leave her den and it's protection.

When that happens, the Family Pack will be there for her. We will help her as she navigates the most confusing time in a human beings life: the teen years. She is not a wolf, but neither is she alone. I hope her love for these marvellous creatures never leaves her. She says she wants to work to conserve the habitat and genetic diversity ( her words) of the wolves of Canada and the world. She has vision, she has passion, and on the other side of the coming turmoil of growing up, I hope she still occasionally wants to howl at the moon and turns her bed into a den. As her Alpha Mom, it is my job to make sure she grows without losing herself to the wolves, but also to insure that she grows without losing her passion.